This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
You Might Also Like
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.