To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*aggressively waits in line*
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Thanks to a fan for this one.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.