It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I have many caverns
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.