Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.