What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
dutch so unserious
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
This made me chuckle cuz mood