ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.