You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Monday
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans