*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips