Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon