I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
j o i m p
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?