Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.