Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Spa day..😅
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.