If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now