The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”