White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
A wise man once said nothing.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another