“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…