Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
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I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.