*pronounces woah like Noah*
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
It do be feeling this way.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red