*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect