Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
79.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away