At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.