For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I like long walks away from everyone
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha