Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Goodnight 🐶
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school