“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Discuss
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.