nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A Short Story.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.