Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Anyone really
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Pringles
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.