Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.