My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money