Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.