Meeeee too!
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.