6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.