Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You Might Also Like
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians