Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
You Might Also Like
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.