I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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forgive me baja for i have blast
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.