MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
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King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
the icebreaker
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
😎 🍻
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.