Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I’m pretty like a car crash.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Banana is the quietest snack
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger