Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.