[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point