Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed