who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet