me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Every haunted house movie:
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.