I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
You Might Also Like
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?