Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?