Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?