Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Good morning, Twitter x
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
The two types of wives
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too