Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too