Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.