Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.