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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Your secret is safeish with me
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks