[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
181.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
This is always good for a laugh.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.